Crying

Last night i cried.
You may have expected to read about infant wails. But, as my son slept soundly in front of the fire, i wept on my husbands lap.
He held me and stroked my hair as I cried.
I cried hard because I didn't know why i was crying. As i kept crying emotions upwewlled like nutrients in the sea: Disappointment for not following through with blogging; fear of not living up to be the mom my son needs me to be; reluctance to change; avoided pain from a change in a birth plan that became apparent exactly a year ago, in exactly this same spot I was now weeping.
Tears for the blood that was just now recurring to flow; for the disrespect I sometimes show my mother, my husband... my most loved. Tears for a long cold winter; for the fears that i was not doing what i should be, and for the fears that I was doing exactly what I should be.
Tears for my ungratefulness for the life i have.
Because through all of emotional upwelling I knew of my blessings. My home, my husband, my beautiful son, my dog, the woods I live in, the generous friends and loving family i have. The tears felt good though. I wish i could say i cried it all out, but i doubt that is true. Today though, it seems like Spring is much closer as the warm winds melt the frozen world around us.